Way before the age of the internet, the Civil Rights Movement of 1965, the birth of Millennials and the X and Z generations, Emily Post (1872-1960) was promoting cultural humility through her advice about good etiquette.
The practice of cultural humility promotes the putting aside of rigid personal perspectives and becoming open to the viewpoints of others. When I engage in cultural humility, I become humble in the promotion of my own understandings and, in my newly-created humility, make room for comprehending the culture of others, especially those cultures that differ greatly from my own. In this process, I contribute to making my community a positive place for all inhabitants to live and thrive.
Post said that “consideration for the rights and feelings of others is not merely a rule for behavior in public but the very foundation upon which social life is built.”
What she meant was that consideration for others or the lack of it establishes the foundation of social life. In places where people show great thoughtfulness for others, social life is positive and fruitful. When people lack consideration for one another, their social life is injured, broken, and painful.
But what did Post mean by consideration? It turns out that she interpreted the meaning of consideration the same as the meaning of cultural humility. To Post, consideration benefits all of people involved in a decision, encourages a positive outcome, a better community.
In promoting good etiquette, Post described other qualities that should exist along with consideration.
Respect is shown through actions and words. When I talk about another individual, I honor and value them regardless of their race, creed, gender, or any other possible classification. I treat them as equal to me and 100 percent worthy of esteem. This even includes the treatment of people that I may easily consider morally less than me, such as a prisoner in jail for robbing a bank or selling cocaine.
In his book Just Mercy, for example, Brian Stevenson explains that, because of the inherent biases in our legal system, we should honor and act merciful toward all imprisoned people. Some of them have been punished with harsh sentences for insignificant crimes, some are mentally impaired and lacked adequate defense during their trials, and some are even innocent.
With great difficulty and effort, Stevenson, through his organization, Equal Justice Initiative, secured release and freedom for Walter McMillian, a young man sentenced to the Death Penalty for a murder he did not commit.
Stevenson makes an even more profound point in his book. He claims convincingly that “each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”
How many of us have skeletons in our closets, secrets from our teenage years, or idiotic histories from our youth? Maybe we stole a bottle of scotch from a liquor store when we were in high school just to see if we could do it. Maybe we drove while intoxicated after a college party, but we never got stopped by the police. Maybe we smoked marijuana before it was legal and even inhaled, or maybe we did something that is best left in our past because it would mar our current balanced, respected reputation. When we think back over our own mistakes, we easily can agree with Stevenson that “each of us is more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.”
Another aspect of respect is self-respect. When someone possesses self-respect, they are equipped to honor others. Self-respect avoids pushiness or boastfulness from conversation and encourages self-confidence. When someone is self-confident, they don’t worry about their physical appearance or abilities, but act with integrity and good character, qualities of lasting substance.
Post’s etiquette and the concept of cultural humility also involve “honesty.” Honesty is knowing our characters and maturity are flawed, yet still trying to speak the truth in a positive way. Honesty is using our understanding of truth, but recognizing that as we grow and learn, our truth will become a greater expression of love than we are able to express today.
Graciousness was also favored by Post, which she defined as the ability to make everyone feel welcome. This, too, is the essential purpose of cultural humility. We open our arms to everyone no matter if they are rich or poor, heterosexual or homosexual, Jewish or Muslim, African or African American, Chinese or Korean, or male or female. In graciousness, we hug each and every human being and make them feel secure and comfortable in our society.
“I am so happy that you got such a big raise, my friend.”
“Your husband is always welcome at our dinners, Mark.”
“Would your rabbi let me join your Jewish history class. I’m so fascinated.”
“Tell me about how your family observes Ramadan, Raul. I want to learn about your religion.”
“When did you decide you wanted to become a doctor, Krystal? I think you’ll be a great one.”
All of these welcoming statements express graciousness.
Finally, Post promoted the practice of kindness as part of good etiquette; likewise, cultural humility cannot exist without the expression of kindness between two people of different backgrounds. Kindness is warmth from the heart, a transfer of love from one person to another. When I am practicing kindness, I’m unable to judge, discriminate, belittle, or condemn another human being. I’m treating people as my equals.
In this day of social distancing, etiquette and cultural humility, both, can help us navigate our new society, hopefully an environment which is temporary, but now reality. We have been ordered to stay six feet apart, wear masks in public places, and cover our hands with gloves to protect us from the Corona Virus.
What should we do when we meet people who are not following these protocols and potentially endangering themselves and other people?
If we look to Emily Post’s advice and the practice of cultural humility, we must remember to respect, be honest, act graciously, and confer kindness in our interactions.
Instead of yelling at someone to back up six feet so we don’t get their germs—“Back up, you bozo!”—instead, we could explain that we are concerned about their safety, so it would be better for them if they left more distance between us.
When witnessing potentially harmful activity such as a gathering in a park, etiquette and cultural humility encourage us to avoid jumping to criticism. An alternative would be to say, “Isn’t it great to get outside! Don’t forget to stay six feet apart while you’re having fun.”
If we run into a customer at Safeway who is not wearing a mask, we don’t have to shame her for her insensitive behavior, which only makes us insensitive. We can nod to her in a friendly way and explain that we feel more comfortable following the mask rule so as to avoid getting infected. Then, send her on her way with “Stay healthy, my friend.”
If we see our neighbor’s gardener drive up, good etiquette and cultural humility guides us to refrain from judging in case we misjudge instead. Perhaps the worker is cleaning up the weeds in the back of our neighbor’s house, which qualifies as an essential service. If the gardener is not doing essential business, but just mowing the lawn and trimming the hedges, we might think about the type of relationship we would like to foster with our neighbor in the long term. Avoiding confrontation or criticism now can help us to maintain our good connections that promote a friendly and safer neighborhood for everyone involved.
After this pandemic has passed and our lives get back to a more normal state, if we’ve practiced good etiquette and cultural humility, we’ll have developed good habits for the rest of our lives.
In addition to fostering better relationships and communities, we’ll have grown into more caring, considerate, and loving human beings. Our new etiquette-minded, culturally-humble perspective will make us more joyful and help us foster happier relationships.
Tessa M. Perko's Blog 